You don’t need to walk alone

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Linda and Tom were high school sweethearts. They married young and raised a family, spending their whole adult lives together.

Now, their children were grown and out on their own, and starting to have kids of their own. Linda and Tom enjoyed being grandparents, and had planned for a peaceful retirement.

Then, Tom started to show signs of dementia.

By the time I met them, Tom was quiet and didn’t make eye contact — a huge change from the outgoing salesman he had been just a few years earlier. The grief showed in Linda’s eyes, but told me that her faith had kept her going.

Every kind of loss presents challenges: we get accustomed to how things are, and don’t like it when our routines are disrupted. Dementia is a particularly stressful kind of loss, because the person is still physically present and requires increasing help with daily living, but the love and support that the relationship provided are no longer as evident.

Even if things aren’t too difficult on a daily basis, the slow decline over weeks and months can be devastating for the caregiver.

And that’s where Linda was when I met her — she didn’t want to show her tears, but it seemed that she felt swamped by the changes, and didn’t know what to do.

Our hospice team provided some support, and gave suggestions for additional resources, but more often than not she would tell us why our suggestions wouldn’t work. As the weeks went by, we saw more tears. We could tell that Linda was overwhelmed, but she continued to assure us that her faith would see her through.

When I think of being overwhelmed, I am reminded of a story in the Gospel according to Matthew. The disciples are on the sea, in a boat, at night. They are battered by the waves, and the wind is against them.

That’s a scary scene to begin with, but then it gets worse — they see a figure walking on the water, and they are afraid. I would be, too!

But it is Jesus, and he reassures them: “Take heart, it is I; do not be afraid.”

Of course, that phrase rarely works. Peter asks for some additional reassurance: “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.”

Which is to say, it isn’t Jesus’ idea for Peter to get out of the boat. It’s Peter’s idea. And it turns out to be a bad one. He takes a few steps, and then begins to sink beneath the waves.

I think about this story when people try to “go it alone.” They try to be strong, and think that if they only had enough faith, they would be able to make it through. Sometimes they even blame themselves for not having enough faith, and think that showing weakness is a problem.

Like Linda, they find reasons they can’t ask for support, or reasons why it wouldn’t actually help. But then they find themselves, like Peter, frightened and sinking beneath the waves.

Jesus chastises Peter for not having enough faith, but not because Peter couldn’t walk on water. We’re not meant to walk on water! Jesus chastises Peter because he asked for a sign, some additional proof that it was really Jesus and that he really was in control of the situation.

At this point in the story, Peter gets back in the boat, because that’s where he belongs. But he’s not alone in the boat: Jesus is there with him, along with other disciples — which was Jesus’ destination all along.

Linda finally realized that she needed to reach out, and that there were already people in her life that could help support her and Tom. Her faith continued to be strong, but she saw that her faith connected her to a larger community.

After years of trying to take care of Tom by herself, she started to get out of the house once in awhile. Her children became more involved, and even neighbors were happy to sit with Tom for an afternoon and watch television. She was still afraid that “something might happen” while she was out, but she began to realize that being in the house all of the time wasn’t going to stop Tom’s decline.

Most importantly, she realized that, in order to take care of Tom, she needed to take care of herself. A large part of taking care of herself was remembering that she wasn’t alone.

Even when we feel alone and isolated, there are people around willing to lend a hand.

When difficulties come to you — and they will — don’t try to trust in your own faith to miraculously let you walk on water. You have friends in the boat, so reach out to them. And grab the hand of the Savior who promises to bring the boat safely home.

Craig Dove is a staff chaplain at OhioHealth hospice.

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Craig Dove

Contributing Columnist

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